After the War Read online

  “Probably time to strategically apply some pressure to their fourth points of contact. You’ve given them the benefit of the doubt and, well, they’re not really rising to the occasion, are they?”

  Sean shot his first sergeant a sidelong look that said no shit. “Does Kearney have a good story for this one?” Sean wished he hadn’t quit smoking. It might have been six years ago but, right now, he’d give anything to relieve the tension winding around his chest, and a cigarette seemed just the thing. Something. Anything to take the edge off.

  “Nope.”

  Sean sighed heavily. “He still at the company?”

  “Yep. Bleeding on the conference room table.”

  “Well, it ought to give the medics something to do,” Sean said dryly. “Have them stick him with an IV and patch him up.”

  “Want me to draw up the counseling packet? He needs a boot in his ass.” Morgan clipped the end off his cigar and flicked it into the bush. “Maybe taking some time and money will smarten him up.”

  “I doubt it,” Sean said. “And no, we can’t do a damn thing right now. The boss appointed an investigation.”

  “What’d he go and do that for?” Morgan held the lighter to the tip of his cigar. “Kearney’s problems are pretty simple.”

  “Guess he doesn’t believe me when I tell him that Kearney and his wife just enjoy making each other miserable.” Sean scrubbed his hand over his mouth. “How do we fix this, Top? This is five weeks running we’ve had boys arrested.”

  Morgan blew out a smoke ring. He did his best thinking when he was smoking. “First, we need to figure out what the hell happened last night. Kearney getting into a fight with the XO is bad juju, but the more I think about it, the more I’m with the boss. We need someone else to take a look at this because clearly there’s some bullshit going on that we’re not seeing.”

  “I love how you read my mind.” Sean grinned. “Want to snuggle?”

  “Just because I read your mind doesn’t mean we’re going to be taking long showers together,” Morgan growled.

  Sean laughed at the long running joke between them and some of the tension that had been squeezing his chest eased back. He released a deep breath.

  They walked in silence to their company headquarters, a small, one-story brick building, with bushes cut in the guitar pick shape of the First Cavalry Division patch. All of the company ops were lined up in the same building.

  There was a lone female standing on the front steps. Her hair was tied back in a severe bun, her eyes masked by dark Wiley-X sunglasses.

  “Lost?” he said.

  She didn’t turn right away. There was something familiar about the curve of her neck, the line of her jaw. It nagged at him, just out of reach.

  She turned, her face shadowed by the sun. “I’m looking for Captain Nichols.”

  He stopped, his heart pounding hard in his ears. He stood for a moment, convinced that lack of sleep had him hallucinating. That he was hearing and seeing things he’d long ago tried to forget. He knew that voice. Hadn’t heard it in half a lifetime at least, but it blasted him with a sense of knowing.

  She shifted then, turning until the sun no longer cast a shadow over her features and reality slammed into him. A thousand brilliant points of pain exploded somewhere in the vicinity of his chest. The sounds from the world fell away, leaving him in a vacuum filled with memories and the silent regret of long ago mistakes.

  “Yeah, Sean. It’s me.”

  Two

  It had been nine years since she’d seen him. Nine years since his words had sliced into her skin with bitter anger and hurt and loss. Nine years since their lives had fallen apart, and she’d relegated Sean Nichols to a memory she tried to forget.

  But in one moment, the intervening decade fell away and she was suddenly that twenty-year-old sergeant again, her heart bleeding in her hands as she tried to put her life back together.

  She swallowed the dryness in her throat, determined to keep things professional, then get the hell out of Dodge as fast as she could. This was not allowed to get messy. She’d done messy with him once before, and she’d be damned if she was going to repeat that mistake.

  She couldn’t see his eyes behind the sunglasses, but for the briefest instance, his lips parted. A hint of emotion, then it was gone, his mouth pressed into a hard, flat line. His hands clenched into fists before they disappeared into his pockets.

  He jerked his chin toward her nametape. “Anders?”

  She nodded briefly. “I was married.”

  “Apparently.” It was amazing how much bitterness could be packed into a single word.

  “Well, now that the interpersonal hostilities are over, I’m the investigating officer for the incident in your company last night.”

  “I figured that one out just now, thanks.”

  She took a deep breath. So much for keeping things professional. She wasn’t going to get drawn into an argument with him. But the standoff continued. Neither of them moved and a thousand memories swirled between them, snapping like live things.

  He’d changed. A lot. His shoulders filled out the gray ACU uniform much better than when he’d been a younger man. His jaw was stronger. His tanned skin was creased from the bright sun of Fort Hood and Iraq, if his combat patch was any indication. His dark brown hair was longer than she remembered him wearing it when they’d been young sergeants together all those years ago.

  So much for hoping he’d gotten a paunch and gone bald. Guess voodoo dolls didn’t work after all.

  The first sergeant standing next to Sean cleared his throat. “Anyone going to bother with introductions? Or am I supposed to guess what this awkward interpersonal hostility is all about?”

  Sean sighed heavily. “Top, meet my ex, Sarah Delany.”

  Sarah stuck her hand out, annoyed that he’d deliberately misstated her name. She’d been Delany once upon a time but hadn’t been in a long time. “Captain Anders. Nice to meet you, Firs’ Sarn’t.”

  Morgan’s hand was strong and solid and felt like eighty-five grit sandpaper.

  “Ma’am.” Morgan stepped around Sarah and unlocked the door to the orderly room, his cigar still smoking. “Well, you two kids play nice.”

  She had the distinct feeling he was laughing at them, but she said nothing instead as the silence closed around them.

  “Married?” he asked, his eyes going to where her left hand was wrapped around the strap of her bag. There was no ring on her left finger. Her hand felt more naked than it had in years.

  “Seven years ago.”

  “Kind of fast, wasn’t it?”

  She felt the old anger surfacing between them, crawling over her shoulder to whisper terrible things in her ear. “You have no right to question what I did with my life after you left me.”

  His smile was cold and hard. “So that’s how you remember it? I left you?”

  She stepped away, out of his space, and sucked in deep breaths. His words hurt. They were supposed to. “Not much to misconstrue, honestly.”

  His smile could have cracked glass. “Pretty selective memory you’ve got going there, Sarah. Let’s not forget who said no.”

  “You know what?” She held up one hand. “I’ll get the MP and civilian police reports from your first sergeant. It’ll be better if we interact as little as possible, since things obviously haven’t changed that much.”

  She walked away before the situation devolved more than it already had. She stalked past the battalion headquarters and went straight for her car, surprised by the force of the anger threatening to choke her.

  She’d taken a long time to get over him. Longer to get past the anger and the hurt.

  She needed a few minutes, just a few, to put everything back in the box where it belonged. Chained and bound at the bottom of the void where she could pretend the life before she’d met her husband didn’t exist.

  Because Sean Nichols was nothing more than a bad memory. One she was determined to leave exactly where he belonged
.

  In the past.

  * * *

  Sean let her go.

  Again.

  It was a long time before he unrooted himself from the spot and walked into his company ops.

  He’d handled that about as poorly as he’d always handled everything with Sarah. He never had a chance to ask her how she’d been. The change of name had rocked him off his axis—and it was a name he knew all too well.

  That name carried far too many memories, far too much guilt and sadness.

  It couldn’t be.

  It just couldn’t be.

  Kearney sat at the conference room table. He avoided Sean’s eyes, deliberately playing with his cell phone. Sean stopped at the edge of the counter.

  “Did you ever meet Jack Anders’s wife?”

  Kearney looked up sharply. “Talk about your random question, sir.”

  Sean didn’t respond to the sarcasm from his sergeant. With a sigh, Kearney set his phone down. “Yeah, I met her once when we’d convoyed down to Baghdad with Anders’s platoon.”

  “She was a soldier?”

  “Yeah, another lieutenant.”

  Sean felt the blood leaving his head. He needed to sit down.

  “What made you bring that up?”

  “Nothing.” He walked into his office and shut the door, needing a few minutes to pull his emotions back from the edge of the abyss.

  He’d spent more than a few hours over the years wondering where Sarah had gone and how she was. The whole time, apparently, she’d moved on with her life. In the first years after she’d left, he’d often thought of what he’d say if he ever saw her again. Some days, the stupid part of his heart that never got over her would ask her how she’d been. She’d smile the way she used to, and they’d finally talk about how things all went to shit when she’d turned down his marriage proposal.

  Other days…other days were darker. Other days, he imagined railing at her. Demanding to know why she’d said no when they’d been so damn good together.

  But he’d never imagined this. Never imagined that she’d moved on with her life. That she’d married. Never in his wildest dreams would he have thought that she’d been married to Jack. Holy fuck.

  He sat at his desk, turning that revelation over and over in his mind. He scrubbed his hand over his mouth as old memories mixed with new.

  Morgan rapped on the edge of the doorframe. “Medics are getting an IV bag from the medical company. How long do you want to leave Kearney out here?”

  Sean folded his arms over his chest and sighed. “Restrict him to the barracks, and let him sleep the rest of it off.”

  Morgan nodded then stepped farther into the office. “Looks like you had a lot of catching up to do with that other captain.”

  “Don’t suppose I can ask you not to pick that scab right now?” Sean leaned back in his chair.

  Morgan said nothing for a long moment. “Kind of curious about what has you this fired up, honestly.”

  Sean breathed deeply through his nose and deliberately changed the subject. “So have we gotten ahold of the XO yet?”

  Morgan lifted one brow. “Apparently he’s on his way.”

  “Any reason why it’s taken him so long?”

  “Apparently, he was still drunk when he woke up. He claims he didn’t want to get a DUI.”

  Sean leaned back in his chair. “Let me know when he gets here,” he said simply. Then, “Did you get the paperwork done up on Kearney?” He needed to keep his mind focused on work.

  It would be far too easy to disappear on a long winding trip down memory lane.

  “Yep, already done.” Morgan sighed. “Look, whatever is going on between you and that captain, you need to put it away. We don’t have time for you to be pining away like a lovesick puppy. We have privates –” He glanced over his shoulder where Kearney sat at the conference table. “And sergeants for that shit.”

  Sean looked up at the big first sergeant, grinding his teeth to keep his better judgment from escaping. Morgan meant well and he wouldn’t be saying anything if he didn’t see the train wreck that Sarah had turned him into. The unit couldn’t handle any more command or leadership disasters. They’d had more than enough already.

  “I’m working on it, Top,” was all he said after a moment.

  Morgan studied him quietly then left him alone. Alone with the silent recrimination in his thoughts and the swirling memories that took him back to another life. To a life before the war, when he’d still believed his own bullshit that he’d be man enough to bring everyone home. That he’d be able to go to war and come home with his honor intact. That Sarah loved him enough to leave the Army behind.

  Funny how a decade at war changed everything.

  Three

  Sarah walked into her office an hour later, infinitely more calm. She’d gotten a copy of the police report of the fight from the military police liaison and had sat in her car, flipping through the information. There really didn’t seem to be much to it. Basically, Kearney and Smith got into a fight about Kearney’s wife.

  She honestly could not figure out why she was investigating this fiasco. But, there were times in every officer’s life that one simply shut up and colored, and that’s exactly what she was going to do. She set the file on her desk and started to log in to her computer.

  LT Picket stuck her head into her office.

  “Ma’am? There was a call for you while you were out. Your daycare?”

  “Thanks,” Sarah said as she pulled out her cell phone. No missed calls. Great, Fort Hood was a cell phone dead zone. That was always helpful. Please don’t let Anna be sick. Not today.

  “Oh, and Major Wilson was looking for you.” Sarah looked up at the LT. “She said something about the command and staff?”

  Sarah looked at the battalion calendar on her desk that she’d printed out the night prior. “There was command and staff today?”

  “It was moved because of the meeting for the ball next weekend.”

  A sense of dread curled around Sarah’s heart. “And I was expected to be there?”

  Picket nodded. “Yes, ma’am. Major Wilson was, ah, not happy that you weren’t there.”

  Sarah blew out a hard breath. Great. First week in the unit and she’d already missed an important meeting. Command and staff. The weekly meeting between—who else? —commanders and the battalion staff officers.

  The daycare had called thirty minutes ago. She looked between the note and her phone and hated herself that she even had to think about which one needed to be dealt with first. Never in her life had she imagined that being a parent and a soldier would tug her in completely opposite directions. She closed the door, dialing the daycare from her office phone.

  “Hi, Ms. Silver, this is Sarah Anders, Anna’s mom. I had a message you called me?”

  “Yes, Ms. Anders. It looks like Anna is running a fever. She’s going to have to be out for at least twenty-four hours before she can come back. Will you be coming to get her or will her father?” The daycare manager, Ms. Silver, had the kind of voice that got on Sarah’s last nerve every time she heard it.

  Sarah closed her eyes and opted not to clarify that she was Anna’s only parent. Again. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” There was a single rap on her office doorway and she held up one finger over her shoulder.

  She turned and realized who she’d quite literally given the finger to.

  “Put the phone down, Captain.” Major Wilson stood in Sarah’s doorway.

  She’d never met Major Wilson before, but she didn’t need to know much about her to know she was going to be highly unpleasant to work for. Her gray blond hair was cut short around her face. She wore neither makeup nor a smile, and her eyes were cold and merciless.

  Sarah was fucked. She knew women like this. Women who made it their life’s work to push other women out of the Army because they weren’t the right type for the job.

  Sarah clicked her phone off and stood immediately. Her half-formed apology was
barely a sound in the base of her throat before Major Wilson cut her off.

  “Captain Anders, I don’t know what kind of standards they had in your last unit, but here, my staff officers are on time and present for my meetings.” Major Wilson’s voice was gravelly and filled with napalm.

  “Roger, ma’am.” She thought about mentioning that she had no idea the meeting had been changed then decided against it. Major Wilson didn’t look like she handled excuses too well. Sarah had a sudden vision of Mortal Kombat, with a player getting her spine ripped out.

  Not exactly comforting imagery at the moment.

  Major Wilson didn’t raise her voice, but still managed to make Sarah feel like she was two inches tall. “I’ll see you at 1800 tonight for your initial counseling.”

  Sarah opened her mouth and Wilson’s ice blue eyes narrowed quickly. “Is that going to be a problem?”

  Sarah snapped her mouth closed and shook her head. “No, ma’am.” She bit the inside of her lip while she waited for Wilson’s response.

  Her gaze flicked to Sarah’s phone. “You have childcare issues.” It was not a question.

  “Ma’am, my daughter is running a fever. I have to keep her out of daycare tomorrow. My family care plan is current, pending my local childcare provider getting the last form notarized.” Sarah would forever be grateful to the fates that had sent Mel and Jamie Sorren her way. Mel had volunteered to take care of Anna whenever she needed it. It was just that Mel was a little preoccupied with her ex, who’d gone and had a heart attack a couple of weeks ago. Sarah just couldn’t bring herself to ask Mel for help right then.

  Wilson blinked rapidly, her jaw flexing. “Where’s your husband?”

  Sarah breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth. She wondered if she would ever get used to the callousness of that question from her leaders. Even if Jack hadn’t died in the war, maybe she’d left an abusive relationship. Maybe she’d decided to have a child on her own. But no, the default for officers was white, heterosexual couple with a stay-at-home Army wife and a husband who sold his soul to make the next pay grade and wow did she sound bitter.